AE Voices: Relieved by Running - Olivia Leonard

AE Voices: Relieved by Running - Olivia Leonard

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AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. May is Mental Health Awareness Month and this feature is sponsored by America East’s #BetterTo9ether initiative, which aims to help create more mentally healthy environments for AE student-athletes.

Read past AE Voices features

Relieved by Running
By: Olivia Leonard, UAlbany

Growing up I would constantly experience a nauseous feeling deep within my gut that would make me shake. I can recall sitting in the back of my third grade classroom reading a book about the Sahara Desert. I couldn’t concentrate on what my teacher was reading because of the pain within my stomach, and raised my hand to ask to go to the nurses office. My teacher kindly said “yes” and I was walked by the teacher’s aid to the nurse, and eventually sent home to rest. After asking my teacher nearly five times if I could go to the nurse with the same painful feeling in my gut, she began to tell me “no, dear, that is not acceptable.” When I first heard those words, the tears welled up in my eyes and my lip began to quiver, as any other eight year old’s might when they are rejected from escaping an uncomfortable feeling.

Looking back on this situation at this time in my life, as a junior in college, I can
determine that this was only the beginning of the development of my anxiety. Throughout the years after grade three, my anxiety in school began to grow and develop further. I would fear leaving the comfort of my home because of the unknown events that could potentially occur during the school day. It eventually grew into a fear of leaving my house as a whole. Whether it
was to go out to eat or going to gymnastics practice, there was always this ball of pressure that would build within my gut, giving me an unsettling feeling about what was to come.

As high school began, my anxieties in regards to leaving my house began to diminish. I decided to join the track team at my school during my sophomore to distract myself from the unsettling feelings within my gut. Everyday I had practice to look forward to at the end of the day, which brought happiness into my life. Running relieved my life from all the external stresses the average high schooler has to deal with.

Additionally, it was something I was decent at, considering the size of the school I graduated from. I may not have had the ability to run the times of girls attending the states meets, but I was able to acquire and break the 800 meter school record on numerous occasions. This brought some confidence into my life that I was lacking, making my days at school more and more enjoyable… until the bullying began during my junior year. With running brought muscle gain and several individuals making comments about how I had a big butt and how they wished to smack it. There were even occasions when people would walk up behind me in the hallway just to kick my butt when I stopped at my locker before my next class.

The frustration and loss of confidence I experienced during this time is indescribable. The only way I thought I could possibly heal was by hurting myself in order to relieve the pain. I began to force myself to get sick after each meal, in spite of thinking it would help me lose weight. Losing weight would mean I wouldn’t gain as much attention from my disrespectful peers in the hallway, thus the bullying would be over. -- and was I wrong. The only thing purging caused my body to do was bloat and gain even more weight and attention from my peers.

The painful feeling that was once deep within my gut returned again, and was much worse than ever before. I would find myself becoming very fidgety in class, not caring whether I went to practice or not because I simply just wanted to go home, and was more than capable of running by myself. I would shake endlessly in class, creating nervousness within my teachers in regards to my well being. All I could think about was my next meal and whether I would force myself to get sick after or not.

Eventually, after days of feeling this what seemed to be infinite anxiety, I couldn't help but tell one of the teachers I was closest with about what I was experiencing. Through the tears, I explained what I was going through. From the nervousness about leaving home and being in school, to feeling like I was fat because my peers were constantly making comments about my body, to the damage I was causing to my body from forcing myself to get sick several times throughout the day. Together, we decided it would be best for me to have weekly chats with the school social worker because it would potentially give me freedom from my anxieties.

As I started talking to the social worker more often, I began to feel less anxiety in my life. That being said, it didn’t mean I changed my ways in regards to eating. At this point, I was very deep within my eating disorder and unsure of how to escape. I had broken bones in my foot during a hurdle race at indoor sectionals during my junior year because of the lack of vitamins within my bloodstream. Moreover, this lack of vitamins caused my blood cells to become hypertonic, shriveling up into nothing because of the anemia I caused my body to develop. Shortly after my foot healed, this issue within my blood caused my blood cells to improperly heal wounds. Three days after being cleared by my physician to run again, I sprained my ankle, which would then take six months to entirely heal. Typically, an ankle sprain would take around two weeks to a month to heal at the most. The damage I was causing to my body from the
constant purging created a long delay in my recovery process, leaving me without running for nearly a year.

I felt so defeated. I felt so anxious. I felt as though my life was worthless, and felt that without running I had no purpose. I wanted to curl up into a ball of nothingness and let my life dwindle away.

Surely enough, after that year of recovery passed, I was back on the track. My first practice back, my coach wanted me to do an 800 meter time trial to see where I was at fitness-wise. I felt really good going through the first lap. Then, suddenly, as I made my way around the last 200 meters, my vision began to form the shape of a tunnel. I was seeing stars and couldn’t make out the lines on the track. Before I knew it, I was being lifted by my track coaches and being asked if I needed an ambulance. I responded “no” and my coaches sat me down and had me drink some water. The warm tears began to fall from my face, feeling defeated once again. Not only did I run poorly, but I fainted while running, which was a major red flag for my coaches.

“I have to tell you something,” I said to my female coach, Coach H. She helped me up and we walked to a quiet space away from the team to have some privacy. She asked, “Is everything okay?” The painful feeling within my gut began to grow as I analyzed the questions. Is everything okay? I asked myself within my head… Hell no. Nothing is okay. Clearly I am not okay , and evidently my health is not okay . I sobbed before I could bring myself to the five words that would change my life.

“I have an eating disorder” I cried to her. She wrapped her arms around me, giving me a hug to reassure me that I will be okay, eventually. I heard her begin to cry, which made my guilt grow. I never meant to hurt anyone like this and never meant to do this to myself.

“It’s going to be okay” she tells me and continues with, “we are going to get you the help you need to get better.”

After opening up to my coaches and parents about my eating disorder, we all decided it would be best for me to be put in outpatient treatment. I was still able to attend school and practice daily, while receiving the help I needed to improve my health.

The experience of treatment was actually quite motivating. It made me realize that I could be a much stronger runner if I simply nourished my body with the right foods, and didn’t constantly force myself to get sick after a meal. As I began to improve in this area of my life, it also improved my performance on the track. I started getting much faster, and even won a few races. In fact, I was able to earn first place in the pentathlon at my sectional meet during senior year, putting me in the running to compete at state qualifiers. For some, this is no big deal. For me, it was an accomplishment like no other. I was the first in school history to participate at this meet and make it this far in the sport of track and field. My confidence had reboosted once again, and since I haven’t felt the deep pain within my gut.

For me, running isn’t just a sport, it is my coping mechanism. It allows me to live my life without the barriers of my anxieties and eating disorder. It gives me a purpose and brings so much happiness into my life. Without running, and without my teammates that have now become my best friends at UAlbany, I would not be where I am today. Thank you, running.


Olivia Leonard is a junior track & field/cross country student-athlete majoring in English at the Univerisity at Albany. 

If you, or someone you know, is battling anxiety or depression and in need of someone to talk to, The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones by calling 1-800-273-8255. 

Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com).