AE Voices: Finding the Light - Justin Tkachuk 5/21/2020 10:00:00 AM AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. May is Mental Health Awareness Month and this feature is sponsored by America East’s #BetterTo9ether initiative, which aims to help create more mentally healthy environments for AE student-athletes. Read past AE Voices features Finding the Light By: Justin Tkachuk, Hartford The hardest part for me wasn’t when I had to admit to others that something was wrong. It was admitting it to myself first. Looking back now, I can see I showed signs of suffering from anxiety and depression at a young age. The first I can remember came when I was about eight or nine. My dad probably just assumed it was a simple meltdown, with good reason as I was just a kid – but how I answered my dad’s question is what made me realize something was different. It was after a hockey game – we won and I played well, even scored a few points. As my dad reversed the van into the garage I remember I started to break down and cry seemingly out of nowhere. My dad asked me what was wrong and my answer was that “I always feel like something is missing.” That memory was suppressed until years later and when I was a junior in high school, I started to learn more about mental health issues and realized that I shared many of the same symptoms. Despite that recognition, I continued to argue with myself though and think “that couldn’t be me, I’m not one of those people.” I grew up in a middle-class home, with a supportive family, friends and community. I played hockey, soccer, baseball and lacrosse growing up and had lots of friends to as a result. I was always one of the most athletic kids in school and was fairly popular. The narrative was happy, simple, and straightforward so I continued to think , “not me, I couldn’t have that.” The end of high school was tough as I slowly came to the realization that something was going on in my head. During senior year, two of my best friends had moved from Ottawa to Toronto to attend a school there. They were my most important support network. My final year of high school was hard and I developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms as I didn’t have the same support network and I was afraid to tell anyone else what was happening inside my head. Every time my parents caught me having a breakdown in my room I would just lie to them and make something up so I didn’t have to be honest with them. I was afraid of being viewed as weak. The next year, after I had already committed to Hartford, I also moved to Toronto to live away from home and attend the same boarding school as my friends to play lacrosse and train. While I was there and reunited with my support network again, I focused on learning to be more independent. While I was there I also made another really good friend who continues to serve as my biggest support network to this day. I still had my bad days, but there were less than the previous few years so I assumed it was just a phase or puberty and I was finally getting over it. During my sophomore year of college, I slipped into the lowest and darkest point of my life. I had let the taxing student-athlete schedule take its toll on me and neglected to use any of my free time to take care of myself mentally. The hardest part of my day was getting out of bed. I started to miss classes because I was truly scared of starting my day. I would just lay there, eyes closed, panicking about how I was going to get myself through yet another day of putting on a mask and pretending everything was okay. I wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t eating and I was barely socializing with my friends – which for anyone who knows me knows that normally I have a hard time shutting up. All of this was just a negative cycle, which worsened the situation and built it up to feel even darker. Then one night I just couldn’t hold it in. I had one of my biggest breakdowns ever and I finally called my parents and told them what I had been going through the whole time. I was terrified but the only thing my parents were upset about was that I hadn’t told them sooner. They were incredibly supportive and helpful. I then walked into my roommate’s room, told him and my other roommate what I had been dealing with. They told me they would walk with me to our campus counseling center and help me book my first appointment. They assured me that they were going to be there for me with whenever I needed. That was the day I was dreading for years but it turned out to be the most relieving day of my life. I felt like a thousand pounds was lifted off my shoulders. These days, it is certainly not all sunshine and rainbows but I am in a much better spot than I was before getting help. I am very open about talking about my mental health. I do not feel weak. In fact, I feel even stronger than before I told anyone. When I’m having a bad day I’m not afraid to talk about it with a friend, my parents or a coach. I don’t know where I would be now if I hadn’t asked for help and received the support that I did. The most important thing I would tell anyone reading this that’s going through something is just to start somewhere – talk to a friend, a parent, a coach, a counselor, anyone. I can guarantee you that it will make you feel better and position you take your first step towards a healthier life. Justin Tkachuk is a junior men's lacrosse student-athlete majoring in English and secondary education at the Univerisity of Hartford If you, or someone you know, is battling anxiety or depression and in need of someone to talk to, The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones by calling 1-800-273-8255. Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com).