AE Voices: Embracing Myself - Olivia Kneski 4/7/2020 3:00:00 PM AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. This feature is sponsored by America East’s #BetterTo9ether initiative, which aims to help create more mentally healthy environments for AE student-athletes. Read past AE Voices features Embracing Myself By: Olivia Kneski I grew up playing every sport you can think of: from soccer, to track, to basketball, softball and even lacrosse. Any sport I tried, I learned it, loved it and was naturally good at it. I was also a little girl who loved school. An overachiever, I always needed perfect grades and simply had a love for the classroom. Growing up with two older brothers, I learned what it meant to be an underdog and spent more days than I can count playing tackle football in the yard with the best role models a sister could ask for. I had parents that drove all over the state and country to watch me play and did everything in their power to ensure they were not only raising good athletes, but good people as well. As a sophomore in college, I am proud to say that to this day, my parents have attended every single race I have ever ran. I had people in my corner that always showed up for me. I dreamt of becoming a teacher and a coach, just like my father. Coming from a small, private high school with limited numbers and the same few coaches for every sport, I knew my potential was greater than the opportunities available to me. My goal, then, was simple: graduate at the top of my class and attend a prestigious Division I university in order to excel as a student athlete. That vision was derailed my senior year of high school, however. That year, I was involved in a physically and mentally abusive relationship that distracted me from accomplishing the things I knew I was capable of. I spent more and more time questioning my worth and I began to accept my situation as reality. I made excuses for the things that were being done to me. In this relationship, I was also constantly told I was “too much.” So, in order to not be as much, I made myself small and spent the remainder of that year in a toxic cycle that destroyed my mental health. I was in a relationship that made me feel unworthy of any success or opportunity that was coming my way. I felt guilty for having such big goals for myself, so much genuine love in my heart and I felt guilty for wanting to get out of the relationship, so I stayed. Blindsided by this verbal and physical abuse, I was easily convinced it was my fault. I thought it was normal to cry until my chest hurt every single night. I thought it was my fault I was being lied to, hurt and manipulated. I thought I deserved it. Every bit of it. I was also friends with individuals who told me not to apply to a certain college because it might ruin their chances of getting in. Of course, I never applied to that college. I set limits on my own life and my own goals in order to make other people happy. During the time of my life that everything I ever wanted was coming together, I was falling apart and could not make it stop. I was not proud of myself because I was too worried about other people’s approval. I decided that I did not want to become a teacher anymore, solely based on the look of disapproval I got from other people when telling them that was my dream. I felt as if that wasn’t good enough, that someone with the grades I got must want to be a doctor or an engineer. During the time of my life where I was graduating fifth in my class as the only Division I college athlete, I was the skinniest I have ever been and the saddest I have ever been. I skipped classes and practices, acting extremely out of character. I became someone even I did not want to be around. In May, I committed to run track at Sacred Heart University, making this decision under pressure to once again, please the people around me. I completed my freshman year there, and unfortunately let this toxic relationship continue. This constant threat of physical harm and mental abuse lead me to even feel unsafe in my own dorm room. I spent that year settling for the same old toxicity, while wishing for harder classes and tougher workouts on the track. I eventually figured out that I did not want to spend the rest of my life settling, and that my health and safety should have been my number one priority. What I didn’t realize until then is that he was right. I was “too much.” But that is not something I should ever be ashamed of. Sometimes, “too much” is good. That meant I was made for something bigger, something better. God’s intentions for my life extended far beyond the relationships, friendships, and places I had outgrown. I had to be fearless and take the chance of being just enough as I am, somewhere else. I ended this toxic relationship and shifted my focus to taking the next steps of my academic and athletic career. I decided to transfer to Stony Brook University in the fall and challenge myself to reach my full potential as a student athlete. Hesitant to leave behind the strong friendships I had built and the athletic success I had achieved my freshman year, it was a tough decision. However, transferring to Stony Brook ended up being the most challenging yet rewarding experience of my life so far, as I hoped it would be. Although my sophomore year has been cut short before the outdoor season began due to NCAA regulations surrounding the COVID- 19 virus, I have had the opportunity to train with some of the best athletes under a dedicated and experienced coaching staff. As a seawolf, I am forever grateful to be a part of something bigger than myself and contribute in even the smallest of ways. I am no longer afraid of working hard to accomplish my goals in the classroom and on the track. I am majoring in English in hopes to become a middle school teacher and coach. With teammates, coaches, and friends at Stony Brook that push me to be my best every single day and bring so much positivity into my life, I feel like I am exactly where I am meant to be and I am grateful for how I got here, even if it took being “too much” for somewhere else. Olivia Kneski is a sophomore women's cross country/track & field student-athlete majoring in English at Stony Brook. If you, or someone you know, is battling anxiety or depression and in need of someone to talk to, The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones by calling 1-800-273-8255. Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com).