AE Voices: One Day at a Time - Maggie White

AE Voices: One Day at a Time - Maggie White

Bookmark and Share

AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. This feature is sponsored by America East’s #BetterTo9ether initiative, which aims to help create more mentally healthy environments for AE student-athletes.

Read past AE Voices features

One Day at a Time
By: Maggie White, Maine
 
My struggle with mental health started long before I got to college. I was eight years old, but I didn't actually know this until recently. Growing up, I was a hyperactive kid who loved to be the center of attention. I moved around a lot in my early years and I was always able to adapt quickly.  Looking back, there were times where I was as young as eight, and I remember being upset about my body or the way I looked.
 
I started swimming competitively for Swimming Australia at age 10. I was fully invested, largely in part because I would get a piece of candy from my coach after the main set. I have always been an overachiever, and as I became more invested in my sport, I was harder on myself to perform well. Even through injury, I still wanted to be there, even if that meant I had to kick my way through 8-10 two-hour practices every week. Even though I changed schools for the fourth time in seventh grade, I was adjusting very well and I enjoying my life. I was extremely involved in sports and extracurricular activities. From achieving good grades, becoming a champion swimmer champion including a record holder, state title holder and national qualifier both in the pool and in open water, to being chosen a team captain as well as a dance choreographer, I was doing it all. I spent just as many hours in the dance studio as I did in the pool, which is why it startled both myself and my parents that I was having problems with my mental health.
 
At some point around eighth grade, I remember becoming very anxious and depressed. It took me hours to finish my homework at night, and at practice I was either working extremely hard or it was like I wasn’t even there. There was no in between, no sense of normal.
 
I was extremely self-critical about every aspect of my life – school, swimming, social life, and my body. Things escalated quickly. I was withdrawing from the activities that I loved, I was not paying attention in class, I was upset all the time, and I was participating in destructing behaviors, such as self-harm and skipping meals. I was in therapy for most of high school, but I can keep a secret when I need to. I refused to open up about my behaviors around food. I didn’t think anything of it. I suppose I thought that all high school girls struggle with body image at some point. As I got closer to graduating, my symptoms of depression were manageable and under control, but I was making up for it in other ways. I was still skipping meals and my love for sports turned into a need for exercise. I was a high school graduate that had no idea what she was doing.
 
Just before I turned 18, I moved to the United States with my family and I was forced to start my life all over again. I lived at home and worked/swam for nine months before moving to Maine for college. That summer before college was when my eating disorder kicked into gear. I worked 56 hours a week and had access to a pool or a place to exercise whenever I wanted. No one was monitoring what I ate because nobody knew what I was going through. I worked hard at swim practice and searched for any opportunity to exercise at work. I struggled adjusting to life in America, especially the food. Everything was different –  the portion sizes, the types of food grocery stores had or didn’t have. I was scared out of my mind because I had grown up with the same brands all my life – you become accustomed to food that you eat all the time. Trying to find something similar in taste was so daunting to me. I was excited to start college because that meant even more freedom.

As soon as I got there, I made friends and settled in really well. I loved my swim team and was ready to compete. I found out a few weeks in that I would be having shoulder surgery in October. After the surgery, the eating disorder took complete control as I was on full activity restriction for months. I refused to miss anything, but I learned that it’s hard to participate when you’re in a sling with extremely limited mobility. I was so frustrated because I so badly wanted to be involved. I started to put on weight while I couldn’t exercise. Dining hall food quickly became unappealing because I didn’t have any control over how it was made or what was in it.
 
Things were spiraling, so I began therapy and I finally opened up about my eating habits. I was quickly diagnosed with Anorexia and the work began. I reluctantly opened up to my coach, which I realize now was the best decision that I ever made, even if it wasn’t entirely my choice. I tried my best to work through it. But it was harder than I thought, and I gave up. By giving in to my eating disorder, I lengthened my recovery time from my surgery and by the time I had enough shoulder mobility to swim. I had done so much damage to my body that I was pulled from off-season training.
 
After freshman year I was told to admit myself into treatment, but I discharged myself against medical advice so I could travel around the country with my best friends from high school. During my time in treatment I was also diagnosed with epilepsy. I spent what was left of my summer in and out of doctors’ offices and MRI machines, trying to treat my epilepsy and an eating disorder at the same time. This was a really hard time trying to adjust to a different lifestyle. I had to learn to cope without simple things that I took for granted… no more all-nighters, alcohol, coffee. I couldn’t drive and I couldn’t swim unsupervised. I also had to think about everything I did to make sure that it was safe. I also took a long time to accept that this was real.
 
I came back to school as sophomore after faking my weight to get medical clearance, and scared the living daylights out of my coach, athletic trainer and my friends. I looked and felt worse than I did when I left in May. I still remember my coach’s face. . It didn’t take long for everyone to see that I had made little to no progress. I refused to accept that my eating disorder had any effect on my seizures, and in two months, I was sent to the emergency room three times, and hospitalized for 10 days after being in and out of status epilepticus for nearly 45 minutes. I came out of it with no cognitive damage, but I took weeks to recover and was put on new seizure medication that knocked me off my feet and really affected my emotional stability. My need to keep my eating disorder as a coping mechanism for everything that I couldn’t control became stronger and stronger. I was not allowed in the pool for a month and it only exacerbated the challenges I was already facing.
 
Once I was cleared to return to swimming, I worked hard and managed to keep my weight above the minimum criteria so that I could swim. I competed in my first collegiate meet in January of my sophomore year. My coach, my athletic trainer and one of the senior athletics administrators kept me under their wings and supported me in any way that they could. They are the reason I performed the way I did that season. I exceeded my own expectations in the pool, and I got to travel to Annapolis for ECACs with some of my team. But between the lead up to America East Championships in February and ECACs in March, I had gone down three suit sizes.
 
It became evident that my eating disorder was in no way under control and I had to get daily weight and vitals to get in the pool. If I didn’t meet the weight criteria or my heart rate or vitals were too low, I couldn’t swim. This got so stressful for me that I ended up pulling myself from the last two weeks of offseason training. The topic of summer treatment came up again, and I had the choice between two treatment centers. I opted for McCallum Place in St. Louis. It was an eating disorder treatment program for athletes. Going there meant that I could receive treatment that was tailored towards me – I could talk about exercise and my sport in group therapy and structure of the groups were customized for athletes. It took me a while to accept that I was going to spend my summer here. I lied on my intake forms, hoping that keeping secrets about behaviors would shorten my time there. But it didn’t go to plan at all – they were onto me. I realized that I had the opportunity to work towards recovery, so I may as well make the most of it. I spent four weeks in inpatient treatment and five weeks in day treatment. The first two weeks, I was just motivated to get out. I spent countless hours on the phone with my outpatient team and my supports at college to try and convince them that I was ready to come home. But they know me well enough that I was just being stubborn and convinced me to stay. I definitely had my days where all I did was sleep on the couch, but I tried my best to stay motivated. I worked my way through the stages and by week six, I was able to participate in limited, supervised exercise.
 
My first time back in the pool was the greatest feeling in the world. My mum had flown out to take care of me for two weeks, because I was struggling on my own outside of inpatient treatment, and I had permission to swim under her supervision for 45 minutes. I was so excited to swim, but I didn’t realize how hard it would be to get back in after taking time off after our season ended and six weeks of weight restoration and treatment. I had done as much preparation as possible. I had planned out a set with the strength coach at McCallum Place, and I tried on my suit so it wouldn’t be as much of a shock when I got to the pool. But, I realized that there’s a difference between trying it on at home and seeing yourself in a mirror, and putting it on and having to walk out in front of over 100 people that were at the pool complex. I had put on weight, so it fitted differently than the way it used to. I felt slower and heavier in the pool, but I was reminded by everyone that that’s normal. Going through treatment meant that yes, I weigh more than I used to, but being at healthy weight meant that once I got used to swimming in a healthy body, what I could achieve was endless.
 
I was discharged earlier than expected, and I felt that I wasn’t ready. My support team and treatment team assured me that I would be okay and knew that I had made so much progress because I went in thinking that I didn’t need to be there but left thinking that I wasn’t ready. My dad flew to St. Louis to pick me up and we drove home the long way so we could explore a bit. I spent the last few weeks of treatment with my friend who was visiting from Australia and my family before coming back to school. I went back to Maine so excited to be back. I knew that my coach was so proud of me, and knowing that gave me so much reassurance because she has had such a huge role in my recovery. She has believed in me every step of the way and had to push herself out of her own comfort zone to help me. Her and my athletic trainer have dealt with countless hours of sassiness, stubbornness, and have tried endlessly to help in any way possible, even if my eating disorder didn’t want the support. If it weren’t for them, I know that I wouldn’t have sought the help that I needed.
 
But more importantly I was proud of myself. I had done what I thought was impossible. I am definitely not fully recovered, but I am in recovery, which I never envisioned for myself. I became fully immersed in the college experience. I became social again, I found a major that I enjoy, and I got to compete in the entire season. I made the travel roster and I finally got to travel with the team to training trip Florida. There have been times, like traveling for away meets and training trip, that feel like a struggle, but I now also see as a learning curve. I realized that all I need to do is trust myself. I have done the work to get to where I am, and I know what I have to do.
 
My first away meet definitely made me realize that what I need to work on is having faith in myself to do what I need to do. I am not my eating disorder, and my eating disorder does not control me. I have and always will have support around me when I need it but trusting myself is the biggest step I need to take to continue to be in recovery. I put some supports in place – I asked my closest friends to help me during meals and I asked my coach to portion my dinner for me so I wouldn’t get too anxious the night before the meet. The meet definitely did not go as expected. After my first race, I cried in my friends’ arms because I felt like I was letting the team down for going to treatment instead of training over the summer. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be there. They held my hands and told me that I did what I needed to do to get better, and I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t gotten the help that I needed when I needed it most. They told me I was there because I earned that spot. Our coaches picked me because they believed I was capable. I got back in the pool for my second race in a better mindset and I was happy with the outcome, no matter the results. I was happy that I could score points for the team, but I was happier that I was there and that’s all that mattered in that moment.
 
My mantra is ‘one day at a time,’ which is something that my coach always says to me. Today could be hard, but tomorrow is a new day. One race could be hard, but the next race is a new race. Treatment taught me to live in the present, to embrace the people around you, and to fully immerse yourself in everything you do. Your failures don’t solely define you, and neither do your victories. I have learned to take every setback and every achievement for what they are, and to learn from them. Swimming definitely saved my life, and there are so many people that have contributed to my recovery. I am so thankful for the people around me that have helped get me to where I am. My family, my friends, my coach, my trainer, my treatment teams – everybody. I still have a long way to go, but I have come further than I ever thought possible, and I am ready to take on whatever life throws at me.


Maggie White is a junior swimming & diving student-athlete at the Univeristy of Maine. White, her teammates and the rest of the the #AESD programs will compete at the 2020 America East Swimming & Diving Championships starting Thursday and going through Sunday.

If you, or someone you know, is battling anxiety or depression and in need of someone to talk to, The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones by calling 1-800-273-8255. 

Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com).