AE Voices: Unconditional Love - Colleen Mullen 1/3/2020 11:00:00 AM AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. Read past AE Voices features AE Voices: Unconditional Love Colleen Mullen I’ve always wanted to be mom. In 2015, I got a call from my doctor saying we were going to be having a baby girl. Our lives changed instantly the day Maggie came into the world. Then two years later came more life-changing news…TWINS! In June of 2017, our beautiful fraternal twin boys were born and our hearts exploded exponentially! Boy(s), we were in for a treat! We had double strollers, double carriers, double the diapers, double everything! Twins plus a 2-year-old required our very best “zone defense.” Lauren and I were lucky to have two terrific jobs, Lauren as the head women’s basketball coach at NYU and me as the associate head coach at Army West Point, both of us with supportive bosses to help make our growing family/coaching dynamic work. We both had long commutes, sleepless nights and demanding jobs. Without a family support system around to help on a regular basis, Lauren and I started realizing that after the season we might need to make some professional changes. Then in May of 2018, I was fortunate to have been chosen as the head coach at the University at Albany. Our lives changed drastically again, as Lauren resigned from her position and we relocated to the Albany area. Just around this time, we started noticing some developmental delays in our son Callan. Callan was ‘Baby B’ and the poor guy was stuck in one position in my stomach for the entire pregnancy. After he was born, he spent time in the NICU but there were no major issues we were concerned with at the time. Soon after we moved into temporary housing in Albany, Callan started Early Intervention through the State of the NY for physical therapy. Cal had been struggling to make his milestones, like sitting, crawling, and walking. We weren’t overly concerned he wasn’t walking yet because each child develops at their own pace and he was making terrific strides with EI. At 19 months he started walking, but he still wasn’t talking. Brennan, Callan’s twin brother, also didn’t have many words at 12 months but he seemed like a typically developing one year old to us. He even walked at 11 months! (what a show-off). It’s easy to compare twins to one another as they meet milestones because they are brothers and the same age. In terms of speech and language, Brennan was slightly more advanced than Callan but none close to my daughter at their age, who had 50-100 words. They only had 3-5. Our friends, family and even medical professionals would attempt to reassure us saying things like, “boys talk late” or “twins have their own language” but no one encouraged us to explore further. All children develop at their own pace, right? After Callan started walking, around Christmas of 2018, he no longer qualified for PT services. Although we remained concerned with his balance and coordination issues, and his delay in speech, our concern shifted to Cal’s new behavior-laying on the ground pushing small cars for hours and not responding to us when we called his name. While I was on a recruiting trip overseas in March, I started to read and research about the symptoms we were seeing in Cal. Some concerns I researched for was: Few to no words, not answering to his name, seeming to be in his own world, preferring to play alone, restricted interests, just to name a few. A simple google search for these symptoms came back with “AUTISM.” Lauren and I documented all of Cal’s behaviors and interactions for the next few weeks and we agreed, we needed to have him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician. When we met with our boy’s pediatrician for a referral, we had Brennan with us in the office. He agreed Callan should be seen by a developmental pediatrician (doctors who diagnose the disorder), but also suggested we have Brennan evaluated. This was SHOCKING to Lauren and I. We had been so focused on Callan, we had missed some of the red flags in Brennan. Knowing what we know now, every individual on the spectrum presents differently. We called to make an appointment with a developmental pediatrician and they told us we would have to wait a year and a half! If we had to wait that long, we would miss out on important years of therapy and assistance that comes along with a diagnosis. Lauren and I felt desperate and scared. Instead of keeping it a secret, we told our friends and family and asked for help. I shared our situation with my administration, and they immediately starting making calls trying help. They connected me with people like Pat Skerry, the Head Coach at Towson University and his wife Kristen, who both spoke on the phone with me at length and provided very valuable guidance. While we waited for our scheduled appointment three months away with one doctor we were able to be seen at another office by a nurse practitioner specializing in developmental pediatrics. After her evaluation, she told us she didn’t believe either of our twins were on the spectrum and to come back in 6 months. This was seemingly GREAT NEWS to any parent, no AUTISM! But we knew in our hearts we needed to fight more for Callan and Brennan and thankfully we didn’t accept the diagnosis we “wanted to hear.” Callan was diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) right before school started and Brennan, was later diagnosed with ASD the day before we played Boston University this season. Once the diagnosis set in for Callan, I felt broken-hearted. I was grieving the life I “thought” he would have. I was happy he would be receiving the help and therapy that comes with a diagnosis but I was still frightened about what it all meant and what the future would hold. When the players returned to school from summer break, I knew I wanted to share what was going on with me personally. I wanted them to understand that it was something that I was working through and I might have tough days from time to time. We ALL have tough days. I also wanted them to hear, just like I ask them to be present and to “be where your feet are” when we step on the court, I was going to try my best to do the same. The college athlete persona is be strong, tough, push through things, and not show weakness. I wanted to make sure the players understood that sometimes, all of our emotional reserve runs low and that’s OKAY. It’s okay to talk about it. It’s okay to feel vulnerable. It’s okay to ask for help. What happened after I told my team in the locker room-lead to more news for the day. After I finished explaining Callan’s diagnoses to the team we had a big group hug-everyone was pretty emotional. As I started to walk out of the locker room, freshman Taniya Hanner approached me. She said “coach-I understand what you’re going through and it’s going to be okay. I’m autistic and was diagnosed on the spectrum when I was five.” I just broke down and hugged her. I was surprised because there had been no indication Taniya may be on the spectrum or require any additional support as a student-athlete here, but more importantly I was proud she had the courage to share this with me. Had my son never been diagnosed with ASD, I may have never have learned that Taniya was on the spectrum. I am positive I will be able to coach and develop her more effectively, not because I know, but because of the connectivity and trust that was built by sharing our stories in that moment. Taniya is a role model and a hero. As a Division I athlete and woman, she is an example of hope to thousands of individuals and families affected by ASD. She is an example of one’s potential and a reminder to never put limits or expectations on any child, disability or not. When you decide to be a mom, you sign up for whatever that means, whomever they are and you just love the heck out of them. You do everything in your power to make their lives happy, safe and fulfilled, one day at a time. Being a parent, a coach, a player, just being a person…it isn’t always easy. If you have the courage to tell your story, or ask for help you will likely be surprised by the hope and light it brings. Some say it takes a village to raise a family-but I know it takes a TEAM. Colleen Mullen is in her second season as the head women's basketball coach at UAlbany. Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com).