AE Voices: My Journey With Autism - Taniya Hanner 1/3/2020 11:00:00 AM AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. Read past AE Voices features AE Voices: My Journey With Autism By: Taniya Hanner, UAlbany WBB student-athlete In the summer of 2005 when I was five years old, I visited my family in Atlanta and my life as I knew it changed forever. Nothing traumatic or overly exciting. It was just my extended family, who for the first time spent individual time with me, realized my normal was just a little different from other five year olds. During my two-week visit, I attended a summer camp at a local church. There were a lot of children my age. However, I preferred to play alone. During car rides and mundane moments at home I noticed being intrigued by numbers, especially everyone’s birthday. I made facial movements as a habit that I couldn’t really control. I was comforted and delighted by the same routine each day after camp. I would get home take a bath, eat and prepare to watch the same movie for 14 days straight. I shook my fingers constantly in a way that was normal for me but appeared to be peculiar to my family. I think I enjoyed being away, however, I expressed no emotions either way. I spoke in a rhythm that was normal to most, however, it appeared to be concerning my Atlanta family. I even had injuries that would cause most five year olds to cry, however, I was not moved or concerned by the pain. These behaviors seemed insignificant and normal to me. But, my family members, who have worked with children for years, found my behavior a little concerning. My Godmother suggested that my mother take me to my pediatrician to them assess me for autism. She recalled some behaviors that she witnessed during my two-week stay to inform my pediatrician about. After receiving the news, my mother was devastated but she quickly moved to action to ensure that I would always have what I needed to be successful even if I was on the spectrum. As soon as I returned home, my mom didn’t waste any time getting me to the doctor. Here I was this five-year old child, with no care whatsoever, stepping into the doctor’s office for the first time to be evaluated for autism. My mom explained to the doctors why she felt I needed to be tested and soon thereafter the doctors sat me down at a table where I had to perform certain written and oral examinations. The doctors and nurses evaluated me very closely and carefully and it was confirmed that I was, in fact, autistic. The news wasn’t all bad. The doctors advised my mom that I would not get any worse than what I already was and that my life would go on as if I was a normal kid although we’d faced a lot of challenges. That we did. Being the youngest child of three, I often felt like a Disney princess. I was spoiled and able to get away with a lot of things. I certainly received more attention from everyone than my siblings. I remember how I would act silly and do some weird things without getting in trouble but I never knew why I acted like that. I knew right from wrong but I didn’t understand why my behavior was so strange. I don’t recall at what age my parents sat me down to explain my disability to me but when they did, I already knew I had experienced challenges that other kids my age hadn’t. I would ask myself why I was having trouble with reading aloud and trouble comprehending what I read. Out of the twenty kids in my class, I was the only one to miss out on the fun classes because I had to spend time with my teachers for additional writing and math lessons. As time went on, I was able to notice the differences between me and my classmates. For example, I remember my classmates all able to finish a math quiz within the allotted 20 minutes but it took me an entire class period or even longer. Also, when the teacher would call on the other students to answer a question they would answer right away without hesitation, whereas I wouldn’t even know the answer. This was a very difficult time for me. I knew I had been paying attention but I couldn’t understand why didn’t I know the answers. Before I knew it, I started distancing myself from others and spent more time alone. I didn’t enjoy participating in school activities such as music, art and gym classes. I was a homebody and never wanted to go out unless I was forced. At this point, I thought I could never be an ordinary kid like my cousins, friends and siblings. I was constantly worrying if my life would be like this forever. Eventually, I began to overthink everything and anxiety began to set in. I always thought about the worst possible situations instead of thinking about the best. I found myself asking constant questions to my mom, “why do I have to be different, why me?” I constantly questioned myself about my intelligence and what I was capable of. I couldn’t understand out of all the kids in the world, why me. Why Taniya Hanner? My mom eventually signed me up for tutoring at Huntington Learning Center. While my cousins were playing after summer camp was over and on weekends, I had to attend tutoring I would sit in the tutoring sessions and just imagine being a normal kid. The 4th grade is when I decided to step out of my comfort zone. I was a cheerleader at the time and decided the next year I was going to try out for the basketball team. I was excited about returning to school for 5th grade. Once the talks began about basketball tryouts, I was anxious for my teacher to hand out the permission slips. I didn’t even know how to dribble, shoot, or defend. All I knew was, I wanted to play. I will never forget the day the permission slips came out. I told my mom I was giving up cheering for basketball. She laughed at me saying “how are you going to go from cheerleading to basketball?” While I asked myself the same question, I knew I wanted to try something different. The first year was rough. Luckily I had great coaches but I was so confused about how the game was to be played. It was much different from cheerleading. The team consisted of the upper classmates and I was the only 5th grader and didn’t know anyone on the team. I didn’t play a lot my first year but when I finally made my first basket it was in the opposing team’s hoop. I heard everybody screaming NO! but I didn’t care because I was so happy about making the basket. For once, I found something I enjoyed. I also knew that I would continue to learn the sport even with my disability. My life changed drastically the start of my 6th grade year when I got the news that my elementary school was closing down. I had attended Hillside Catholic Academy since preschool and now I was faced with the fear of going to a new school with new people. Things were finally going well for me. I had just started to find myself, became more aware of my disability, and discovered a new passion for playing basketball. I had to depart from the only friends I had known. Meeting new friends was always a struggle for me. I was afraid they wouldn’t like me. Lucky for me, I attended basketball camp that summer. For the two weeks I was there, I was happy about how many people I met from just playing basketball which lead me to new opportunities. Basketball kept me occupied and focused. I totally forgot about my autism. I was no longer distancing myself from people and wasn’t hiding anymore. The more confident I got with my game, the more I became more confident with the person I was becoming. The school year started at my new school and while it was still tough for me to make new friends at first, basketball provided an outlet for me to forget about my problems. Before I knew it, I felt at home. Entering 8th grade became stressful for me at first. While all my classmates were happy about high school being around the corner, I was constantly worrying about if I would be accepted into my dream high school, Roselle Catholic. The requirements in getting into this school was to pass the standardized tests and have good grades. I knew I wasn’t good at taking tests which lead me to doubt myself. I thought my disability would prevent me from doing my best. However, throughout the process, my mother encouraged me every step of the way and told me she will always be proud of me. The day of the test, I was very nervous and scared because I knew I only had one chance of getting into my dream high school. About a month later, I received a letter from Roselle Catholic. I was very nervous and eager to open the letter. My heart was beating faster than normal and my fingers were very sweaty. When I saw the words “congratulations,” I screamed my loudest and ran around the house with cheers of joy. I never knew how powerful the words “congratulations” meant until that day. My mother was just as proud. I kept asking myself “how can this be.” The letter of acceptance has changed my life forever. My acceptance letter boosted my confidence off the charts and from that very day until now, I now know I can accomplish anything if I put my mind to it. The start of high school was a rough start. It was a faster pace with the teachings, new people, and a completely different school from middle school. I embraced the new environment and started to branch out. I met some of the best people, my first best friend, boyfriend and became very close with my teammates. I felt my life was on the right track. I noticed how I had grown over the years from when I started middle school. I was happy to be able to meet people with ease and enjoy their company. Finally, my confidence level was at an all-time high and I wasn’t ashamed of being autistic. I embraced it like it was a crown and walked with my head held high. Although, I was in high school, I still needed to be taken out of gym classes to do extra work but I had a better understanding of why. My mom continued to get me the outside help/tutoring that I needed to so that I could stay ahead. I was on the honor roll all four years and on the principal’s list junior and senior years. I soon discovered I wasn’t the only child with learning disabilities, there were others like me. By overcoming my fears in elementary, middle and high school, it helped me tremendously with my first semester of college. By being acquainted with group chats and social media with my teammates, it made it a lot easier for me when the semester started. My first semester was everything I pictured it to be. I knew how busy my everyday schedule would be and how time management would play a big role in it. It was hard getting adjusted with having a roommate, study hall hours and scheduling time to eat in between classes. I wasn't accustomed to having as busy a schedule and not having the alone time that I had in high school. I know I have to continuing finding ways to get used to my new environment. After a just month of the semester, my roommate and I became a lot closer and started making even more new friends. What I miss the most is having alone time. Alone time became a big help for me because it’s where I can gather my thoughts and have self care. I am working on ensuring that I can find that time for myself. As I enter my second semester at the University at Albany, I still face challenges. But, here I am today, 14 years later, telling my wonderful life story about being empowered and not different while living on the autism spectrum. My journey continues. Taniya Hanner is a freshman women's basketball student-athlete at UAlbany who is majoring in psychology, At the age of five, Hanner was diagnosed with autism. Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com).