AE Voices: My Own Worst Critic - Ben Drezek '21 9/18/2019 9:00:00 AM AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. This sixth feature is sponsored by America East’s #BetterTo9ether initiative, which aims to help create more mentally healthy environments for AE student-athletes. Read past AE Voices features My Own Worst Critic By: Ben Drezek, UMass Lowell '21 It took me nearly my entire life to embrace this mantra, but it’s okay to not be okay. There’s never an easy time to share your story about your own struggles with mental health, but for me I finally have the confidence to do so and the timing feels right Growing up, I always dreamed of becoming an NCAA Division 1 athlete. Through middle school and the early years of high school, I would have never thought my dream would become a reality as a cross country and track athlete, but as a soccer player. Since the age of 5, soccer was my whole world. Even today I still consider it to be my favorite sport, watching it every single week at school. Everything was perfect and life as a soccer player was great until I got into high school. Joining a new club team and playing high school soccer were both incredibly challenging for me. I have always been socially awkward and making friends with new people has always been a struggle for me. The discomfort I felt in this new environment was overwhelming and as the weeks went on, my emotional state became worse and worse. Drezek grew up playing youth soccer in Rhode Island. Whether it was at practice constantly being criticized for the smallest mistakes or lacking the playing time that I thought I deserved, I became mentally drained. Constantly being called stupid, lazy and talentless by others really drilled a sizable hole in my self-confidence. I used to get migraines before practice because of how nervous I was, and I vividly remember nights crying because I was slowly losing my connection to the thing I loved most. After my sophomore year, I couldn’t handle the pain anymore and so I decided to quit. My club team season was still going on and I refused to finish the season. I was at an all-time low and my dreams of becoming an NCAA athlete were gone. I was lost and I felt so alone. It was hard for me to recognize in that point, but looking back now, I can see how that door closing, opened another. Staring my junior year, I joined my high school’s cross country team and became a distance runner. I thought this was the light at the end of the tunnel that would boost my self-confidence and make me feel whole again, but I was wrong. In the environment of an individual sport, I found it tough to make strong connections with my teammates. In fact we sometimes didn’t get along and so I felt victimized and bullied by others. With only two years to make a commitment to college to keep my glimpse of a NCAA athlete dream alive, I worked harder than I ever have in my life before. With this, I became my own worst critic. Even after performing well and feeling better about myself, I always told myself I could be better. Looking around me at the running community, not only did I notice people with better times than me, but people were also way skinnier than I was. I took this to heart and it still sits within me today. Looking in the mirror I would call myself fat and I did everything in my power to lose weight. I used to tell my friends and family that I was on a “diet” but as I look back on it, I had an eating disorder. I kept a calorie log and there were days where I barely consumed 1000 calories and days where I simply refused to eat my lunch at school or I would try to exercise more if I felt like I ate way too much. Today I look in the mirror and I am much more positive about my body. I am still slightly self-conscious but I have learned that my normal eating habits will make me perform better and actually improve my emotional state. It may sound silly, but I am finally comfortable with taking my shirt off in front of others to go on a run. When I started running, I thought I had escaped my depressive state, but it followed me through the rest of high school. Nothing I ever did was good enough in my own eyes and I committed acts of self-harm as a punishment towards myself for not being perfect. I saw the psychologist at my high school a few times to talk about my issues, and I did feel better from time to time but my emotions would still get the best of me. When it was finally time to reach out to colleges, I felt defeated as several coaches responded to me saying I wasn’t good enough for their programs or I didn’t have enough experience to run for their teams. A few coaches gave me a chance and I knew that UMass Lowell was ultimately the best option for me. After everything I had been through, I finally got my chance to be an NCAA athlete, and I was ecstatic. Change is tough and even in college my emotions haunted me. Being away from home and not seeing my best friends every day hurt deep down inside. I struggled to open up to my college teammates and for the first month of my freshman year, I would lock myself in my room and keep to myself because I didn’t feel like I could relate to my roommates or fellow distance runners. At the dining hall, I would only eat with my sister, and if she wasn’t around, I would sit in the corner by myself where I knew none of my track teammates would see me. Breaking out of my shell was hard but I finally started making connections with my coaches and teammates. I consider them to be my family now and several of them have helped make my college experience easier. Throughout my freshman year, there were moments I felt so alone and depressed so I would just go for a walk at night around campus and cry, but when I returned my roommate or somebody else was always there to comfort me and help me through it. This past year was a challenge because not being a freshman anymore, the expectations raised, there were higher demands and the pressure I put on myself was greater than I have ever experienced before. I remember the first cross country meet of the season in Vermont, I had a panic attack before the race. I told myself I wasn’t ready to step up and be a leader, I told myself I couldn’t do it, and I allowed my memories from high school to manifest my mind. I couldn’t breathe and I considered not racing, but my coach came up to me, comforted me, and told me all the right things that I needed to hear. My season was going well until the very end when I split my knee open at the conference cross country championship. With limited time until NCAA Regionals and being told by the doctor I couldn’t run to prepare, my confidence was destroyed. I was extremely aggravated because there were moments it hurt so bad I couldn’t get out of bed and walk and being one of our top runners I thought I let my team down big time. Letting the depressive mindset sneak back in, I purposefully made myself bleed in other areas on my body thinking that it would distract me from the pain in my knee. After the cross country season, my doctor from home prescribed me new medication for my already diagnosed high blood pressure. This change completely destroyed my mind and my performances on the track. Whether it was a workout or a race, I could not find it within myself to perform well because the effects the medication had on my body. I was watching my sophomore year crumble to dust and I knew I had to fix the situation. Even after several blood work appointments and medical imaging, they still couldn’t determine an underlying reason for my high blood pressure. To this day it bothers me knowing that I am a rare case because running is the only thing preventing me from potentially having a heart attack or stroke for somebody of my age. Without any specific reasoning, I blamed myself for putting so much stress and pressure on myself, and I started to believe my mental state was the underlying cause of this physical problem. Drezek with his family following the 2019 America East Outdoor Track & Field Championship. After this recognition, I knew I had to change mentally so I got the help I needed. Whether it was with a teammate, my academic advisor, or a coach, I was able to gain confidence through the rest of the year and learn how to not let my emotions get the better of me. Sometimes I still critique myself, but I always get the help and have the conversation that I need. Even before my outdoor track conference championships this past spring, a few days beforehand, I told myself I wasn’t good enough and I had a huge panic attack. I was so hard on myself that I couldn’t even get over hurdles at practice and I thought my season was over. One of my teammates was more than willing to sit down with me for three hours and he sat and listened, and helped me get through it all, so I willingly opened up and shared parts of my story with him. I don’t know what it was but after that moment I told myself I wouldn’t be my own worst critic anymore, but rather my best supporter. I convinced my mind I was done with negative emotions and I bounced back to win an individual America East title, set a new school record, qualified for the NCAA Regional Championships, and even stepped up as a leader to be elected as the SAAC Co-President for our university. I don’t know if my teammates and coaches realize how important they are to me and how much of a difference they truly have made in improving my overall mental health. For once in my life I have a coach fully invested in me, and even the little things like getting a hug or being told “I love you” by my coach really has improved my overall well being. America East’s BetterTo9ether initiative is so important because most of the time, you truly don’t see what a person is going through. I myself have hidden my emotions from others and creating that facade is something I regret. Getting the help you need is so important and no matter how serious your conflicts may be, it is always better to speak up and get help. It’s okay not to be okay, and if you recognize the support you have around you, life will become much easier in facing your emotions, social relationships, and athletic performances. I wish I had gotten help sooner, however I chose not to speak up, but hopefully my story will inspire others to speak up and get the help they need so that college can be the best experience of their lives. We aren’t in college forever, so we truly have to cherish these moments and opportunities, and make the most of our experiences before the time runs out and we set out into the adult world. Ben Drezek is a junior cross country and track & field athlete at UMass Lowell. He is pursuing a degree majoring in physical therapy. If you, or someone you know, is battling anxiety or depression and in need of someone to talk to, The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones by calling 1-800-273-8255. Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com).