AE Voices: The Wakeup Call(s) - Ashley Branagan '19 5/7/2019 11:00:00 AM AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. This fourth feature is sponsored by America East’s #BetterTo9ether initiative, which aims to help create more mentally healthy environments for AE student-athletes. The Wakeup Call(s) By: Ashley Branagan, Vermont '19 I decided to tell my mental health story one day after a teammate opened up to me about her personal struggles. I realized I had held myself back from telling my story for so long because I was judging myself. Without evening opening my mouth, I had already stigmatized myself. It was time for me to share my story. This fall, I was on my way home from a meet and the bus fell really quiet as we approached campus. This was the usual time when everyone showed their excitement to get back to their own bed and see their roommates but not this time, something hung in the air. I didn’t know what it was, but it seemed to be like a fog across the campus. My roommates told me when I got home. One of our classmates on the track and field team had taken her own life the night before. I decided to share my story for everyone who is struggling now or has struggled in the past. Branagan was a four-year diver on Vermont's swimming & diving squad. It started my sophomore year of high school. I vividly remember approaching the three-meter springboard at a meet with tears in my eyes preparing to do a dive I was terrified of. I looked over at my coach who would always provide last-minute tips, but he stopped mid-sentence and said, “are you having a panic attack?” Through short breathes, tears and shaking hands, I said “no…maybe…” I got off the board and sat down for the rest of practice, never able to catch my breath. This was the first of many panic attacks and not nearly the worst of them. This one was the first physical sign I showed. I had been fighting depressive symptoms for about a year but did not know it. But this wasn’t the wakeup call. The anxiety I felt during practice caused depression post-practice. When I wasn’t anxious I was depressed and when I wasn’t depressed I was anxious. My junior year of high school is where everything seemed to be going against me. My coach told me I’d never make it to college athletics. My grades were slipping. The “friends” that I did have bullied me. And I did not get along with my parents. In the winter, I was deeply depressed. Worse than ever before. I saw no light and I saw no point. On top of it all, I didn’t want help. The sadness was consuming and almost comfortable. I actually felt relief when planning how I would end my life. It seemed so easy. I would no longer dread waking up in the morning. I would no longer have to hate what I saw in the mirror. I would no longer drag myself through each day, wishing I were at home, in bed, asleep, or just gone. I confided these thoughts in one friend. When that friend went to the school counselor – that should have been my wakeup call. When the counselor called my house phone, notified my parents, and they sat me down to talk – that should have been my wakeup call. I went to my three required counseling sessions, resisting the whole time. And shortly after, I was convinced I had “fixed” myself. I gradually got out of my dark place and had a genuine smile. I vowed to never go back to that place. But mental illness isn’t a one-time thing. It’s not something you “fix”. These counseling sessions were not my wakeup call. Going into freshman year of college, I thought I was prepared. But I was not myself. I was angry and closed off. It was a whole new facet of my depression that I’d never seen before. I wasn’t interested in the same things I used to be, including diving. No one thought I would make it through that year. I was unrecognizable to friends, family, and former coaches. Diving had been my passion in high school and making it onto a DI team was a goal I was ecstatic to have achieved. The fire that I had always within me seemed to be snuffed out by the stressors of freshman year. At the end of the season, I knew I was done. I rebelled against team rules, distanced myself, and I eventually went to an athletic administrator to tell her I was done. That’s right – I sat down in front of the administrator and said “I’m going to quit, here’s why, when should I tell coach?” Once again, this wasn’t my wakeup call. I went home that summer, preparing to tell my family and friends, who had been so proud of me, that I planned to quit on my dream. I told my mom and dad with tears in my eyes. I told my brother, my aunts and uncles, that I didn’t think I could continue. Then I told my high school club coach. He sat me down, one-on-one, and encouraged me that we could work through this together because I was good at diving and knew how to be successful at diving. At the end of the summer, I ultimately made the decision on my own. I overcame the troubles of freshman year so that I could continue to live my dream. I felt such a sense of relief that I had gotten myself back on the right track just simply by asking for help. But this still wasn’t the wakeup call. The true wakeup call came at the beginning of my junior year, in the form of a shocking phone call. It was a Sunday morning and I was just getting home from a coffee run when my friend called. I’ll never forget it. I thought she was calling because she needed my advice about something from the weekend… I wish that had been that. She had called to tell me about my friend and classmate, who had passed away in a tragic accident the night before. I was in shock. I hadn’t lost someone close to me since I was about seven years old. This was my first real loss. I sat next to this friend in two classes that Friday. She raised her hand at the end of class but said “I’ll save it for Monday.” Saturday night she was gone. We were supposed to work on a project together that Sunday night. Her death hit me hard. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t focus on my academics or my athletics. It wasn’t until she was gone that I realized how much of an impact she had on me. There were so many counselors around for the next two weeks. I couldn’t go anywhere without someone asking how I was doing. It was a dark time for me and a lot of my classmates. This was the wakeup call – the point where I finally went to see a psychiatrist. I knew counseling wasn’t the right fit for me and now I had found another option. I started on medication after my first visit. It changed my life. Since I’ve been taking medication daily and seeing a counselor on an as-needed basis, my life has been significantly better. I owe everything to my parents for staying by me even if you didn’t know quite how to help. I’m grateful to the athletic trainers, counselors, coaches, sports psychologists, and physicians who have always been by my side. Without my teammates making me feel comfortable and confident enough to share this story, I’d have been lost. And, finally, without America East helping me to change my perspective on one of my “deepest secrets” and turning it into a passion for helping others, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I truly believe that this past year has been my best yet because it was the year I found the right kind of help I needed. Mental health struggles are NORMAL. It’s okay to speak up or cry out for help. It’s never too late. We always will be Better Together. Ashley Branagan is a senior women's swimming & diving student-athlete at the University of Vermont. Branagan is currently on Vermont's Student-Athlete Advisory Committee (SAAC) and is a member of America East Conference’s SAAC. If you, or someone you know, is battling anxiety or depression and in need of someone to talk to, The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones by calling 1-800-273-8255. Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com). Past AE Voices Stories Never Give Up - Zach Kaplan, Binghamton '19 My Struggle With Anxiety - Mikayla Krinetz, UMBC '19 Finding My New Purpose - Jalay Knowles, Hartford '19