AE Voices: Never Give Up - Zach Kaplan '19
AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. This third feature is sponsored by America East’s #BetterTo9ether initiative, which aims to help create more mentally healthy environments for AE student-athletes.
Never Give Up
By: Zach Kaplan, Binghamton ‘19
My mental health story traces back long before college. In fact, it was my junior year of high school when I was diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety disorder and insomnia. Some of my close friends knew about it, but for the most part I kept it quiet because I didn’t want to be looked at differently, or worse, judged. After months of treatment and counseling, I was eventually cleared and hoping for a fresh start.
That start came when I went off to college. Candidly, I was yearning for a major change in my life that would only bring about success and happiness. My hopes were high.
Zach with his parents, Frances and Stephen Kaplan.
Unfortunately, I was not prepared for the rough road that I was about to travel on for the next four years. The first time anyone noticed something was wrong with me was leading up to winter finals my freshman year. I wasn’t sleeping. I was so stressed over academics that I was averaging only two hours of sleep a night. My coaches saw it in my demeanor, my performance and even my face especially during early morning practices. They pulled me aside one morning and asked, “Are you sleeping?” I was honest with them that I was struggling. It meant the world to me that someone else noticed what I was going through and took the time to check in with me.
After that conversation, I went to see a psychiatrist to ask for the medication I used to take in high school at night to fall asleep. I didn’t want to go through the process of becoming a patient, so I didn’t get the help I needed. I wanted the quick fix.
I blamed it on my fear of my friends and teammates knowing about the battle I was fighting, but not following through was a mistake, my mistake. Even though I was still terrified through my exhaustion, stress and anxiety, I was able to keep my head above water, I was performing well academically and athletically. For the next year and a half, I was able to find enjoyment and satisfaction in the work I was putting in. I did well in school, swam well and managed my life effectively.
That is, until my junior year.
That year was the hardest year of my life. As one of the four captains of my team, I faced difficult situations. I started having panic attacks, sleepless nights where my thoughts would consume me, and distinct depressive symptoms. I tried so hard to internalize it all so no one would see me as anything less than a leader with a clear mind.
Once it became too much for me to handle, I called my mom and pleaded for her to schedule an appointment with a doctor at home. After winter finals, I saw that doctor and started back up on medication. When I got back to campus, I decided to take a different approach than I had two years prior – I set up a treatment plan with the same psychiatrist I had met two years ago, as well as attending bi-weekly sessions at the University Counseling Center. This was a breakthrough moment. I was serious about getting help.
I realized that I wasn’t alone and that so many other students, student-athletes, and people have their own internal battles and hardships. I decided to get a tattoo to serve as a reminder of what I’ve been through. It is also a message to anyone who sees it that no one is every truly alone, and no matter how tough life may get, the fight is never over. Here I am, standing as living proof of that. After spending so much time and effort fighting through pain and suffering, I want the world to see me for who I am and to have the opportunity to speak volumes on what I’ve been quietly going through.
Kaplan finished in the top-eight of three different individual events
at the 2019 America East Swimming & Diving Championship.
My physical injuries made things worse. My freshman year, I partially tore the labrum in my shoulder. My entire career, I’ve endured extensive physical therapy, anti-inflammatories, injections and mental and emotional anguish associated with having an injury throughout my collegiate swimming career.
The way I viewed my shoulder was as an obstacle or weakness holding me back from achieving some of my goals. Every stroke came with a pop and 2-3 clicks, and a lot of pain. But I didn’t like to talk about it. I never wanted to be held out of the pool or viewed as being hurt and injured. I wanted to look and show my team that I was 100% no matter how much it hurt. It isn’t surprising that I’ve done the same thing with my mental health.
I’ve kept my emotions, my mentality, and my hardships to myself. Talking to others, it has always been easier to put on a front and to act the way you want others to view you. Just like how I gritted my teeth and swam through the pain in my shoulder every day, every morning I’ve gotten out of bed and put on this metaphorical suit to disguise how I’m really feeling, just so that no one would know unless I told them myself.
Both physical injuries and mental illness can hold you back if you let them. Both can eat away at your mind and your sanity. Due to the stigma surrounding mental health, it may feel like they are two separate debilitations, but they are similar in more ways than you think.
“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence
but chose not to.The author is you and the sentence is your life.”
- Amy Bleuel
I am grateful for what the America East Conference and Binghamton University have done over the past few years to call attention to the stigma surrounding mental health, and for their efforts in creating an atmosphere in which it is encouraged to talk and seek help. I am proud to be a part of this monumental change and to consider the conference at the forefront of the field nationally. Over the past four years I’ve noticed a growing shift to an environment where we are all truly #BetterTo9ether.
My advice for those out there: you are not alone. If things are tough, don’t wait until it gets too much to handle by yourself. Your friends, your teammates, your family and your coaches are all there for you as people to talk to. There are abundant resources and tools out there for support and guidance. It’s okay to not feel okay. I’ve had the privilege of talking to many friends with their own stories and life experiences, and through that I’ve found solidarity, support and acceptance.
I hope my story and my advice can be inspirational to those out there in similar situations. I’ve learned a lot over the past few years, and I want my reflections to help and support others reading them.
Life is a war, and every day can be a battle. The fight isn’t over until you give up. Never give up.
Zach Kaplan is a senior men's swimming & diving student-athlete at Binghamton University majoring in financial economics. Kaplan is currently on Binghamton's Student-Athlete Advisory Committee (SAAC) and is a member of America East Conference’s SAAC. He was a recipient of the America East Helping Hands Award in 2018 for his dedication to community outreach.
If you, or someone you know, is battling anxiety or depression and in need of someone to talk to, The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones by calling 1-800-273-8255.
Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com).
Past AE Voices Stories
My Struggle With Anxiety - Mikayla Krinetz, UMBC '19
Finding My New Purpose - Jalay Knowles, Hartford '19