AE Voices: Out of the Darkness - Danielle Rocheleau 12/18/2019 10:00:00 AM AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. This feature is sponsored by America East’s #BetterTo9ether initiative, which aims to help create more mentally healthy environments for AE student-athletes. Read past AE Voices features Out of the Darkness By: Danielle Rocheleau, Hartford There’s no escaping that fact that anxiety and depression have defined my life since I was in middle school. I first noticed right after I transferred into public school from a small catholic school. My class size exploded from 20 to 300 and I was in over my head. The school bus gave me constant anxiety I had to deal with as the boys would steal my things, pour pencil shavings in my hair, break my crayons and throw them at me. I had a white winter jacket that I loved but never wore again after taking the bus as the boys turned my last name into a chant referring to me being overweight. I was picked on, constantly. The ridicule didn’t end when I got off the bus. The girls were worse than the boys. During lunch I would walk up to a table in the cafeteria and the kids sitting there would kick the chairs away so I couldn’t sit with them. I had nasty notes left in my locker about how weird and ugly I was. It was like scenes from a movie, yet this was my life. I only lasted three years before transferring back to private school. High school seemed like my savior for a short period of time, but I began having problems at home. I found myself alone dealing with traumatic family issues resulting in me shutting out my parents. I struggled with happiness; I could not find it anywhere I looked. It got to a point where I pushed away everyone I loved because it felt easier for me to be alone. I would eat lunch in the bathroom to avoid finding a seat. I would show up late to class because I started having panic attacks in the hallways. It was crippling and found myself thrown further into the darkness when my best friend committed suicide. It was a void that had become my life. The only solace and joy I found was playing softball. Danielle Rocheleau, pictured with her parents, Louis and Cheryl, and her brother, Curtis. When I stepped between the lines onto a softball field everything went away, it was my saving grace and I set a goal for myself to play at the Division I level. It gave me hope to pursue my dreams. I was told by everyone I talked to that I would never be able to do this because I simply was not good enough. My dad was told he was crazy for supporting this dream of mine. There were so many negative voices and words of discouragement directed my way. I blocked them out to the extent I could. That November, I committed to Niagara University and signed my NLI. Everything felt like it was going to be okay as I finally had something to look forward to. I met an older boy and began dating him during this time as well. It was the first time I felt happy in years. I should have known it wouldn’t last long. It would all be ripped away from me later that fall. I packed my bags and drove up to Niagara to move in. I said my goodbyes to my parents and boyfriend and sat on my bed feeling nervous but assured that these nerves were normal for a freshman. That night I went to the upperclassmen softball house and was cornered being asked millions of questions to drink, designate drive, what I wanted from life, and if I actually loved my boyfriend. I was having another panic attack and rushed home. I was overwhelmed and scared. There was so much uncertainty. I was an undecided major with no idea what I wanted to do. That uncertainty caused my academics to slip and I began struggling, and even failing, in some of my classes. My boyfriend whom had been a huge support for me was extremely insecure with me being at school. He demanded I sent clothes home with my mom for being too revealing, that I did not touch any alcohol or go to any party, and if I talked to another boy, I had to tell him. He came to visit a few weeks in and when he found out I had texted a boy in my class to ask for a book, he lost it on me. He screamed at me and ridiculed me for not telling him. I was fighting anxiety with a now verbally abusive relationship that was inescapable. The sadness progressed; I lost 15 pounds. I never ate. I would skip class because I physically could not get out of bed, my hair was falling out, and I looked frail. I asked for help but was told that this was typical for freshmen, that things would get better. I was hopeless and wanted desperately to disappear off this planet. I sought help on campus and was prescribed an anti-depressant. Once I started taking these I was overcome with suicidal thoughts, when I drove; I fought the urge to crash my car and was always fighting the thought of what is the point, this life was horrible. Finally, my dad forced me to go to see another psychologist and get more serious help. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Depression and directed to go home and reset mentally. I dropped out of college and returned home. When I got home my foray into pills began. I first started taking lithium and began showing symptoms of toxicity reactions. My hands were tremoring, my hair continued to fall out and my body looked like an empty shell of the girl who once occupied it. I fought with my parents as I had no plan for my future and made the decision to live with my boyfriend. I continued battling lithium toxicity – unable to function or keep food down. Meanwhile my boyfriend started cheating on me and spending all his time drinking with his friends. He would come home every night drunk telling me how much he despised me that I was useless and gross, only to apologize and blame the alcohol the next morning. One night I begged him to stay in and he was so mad he went to punch me and smashed a hole in the wall. The relationship was a tumultuous experience that had me blinded by what I believed was love. When the relationship became violent, my dad saved me, telling me to come home and leave my boyfriend once and for all. My heartbreak only darkened my emotions and the pills didn’t help take away any of my pain. Nonetheless I came home and switched medications again. This medicine finally helped me. My mood improved and I was able to decide that I wanted to go back to school and softball. I struggled all summer finding a team willing to take a chance on me. I had to relive my depression with every coach I talked to because the first question was always why you left and what had happened. My depression still lingered and every time I relived it; I would have panic attacks that I would spiral downwards again. I had overcome so much to be able to be in a position to attend school again and by August 2017 it looked like I would never play softball or attend college. I feared that if I failed finding a school I would never recover. Just at that moment, there was a coaching staff change at the University of Hartford. The new head coach, Angie Churchill, told me she would give me a spot on the team that she was taking over. She was the first person outside of my family to take a chance on me. Rocheleau was a first-team All-Conference and All-Academic selection as a sophomore. Two weeks later, I moved onto Hartford’s campus. I was sick to my stomach, petrified and filled with anxiety that I could not fail again. And things got better. The chance that Coach Churchill gave me saved me. She offered me a safe space to get back to the sport I loved and supported my journey in doing that. Had she not given me the opportunity to play at Hartford, I am not sure I would have found a reason to keep pushing and it scares me to think where I would be today. Now, a junior, I still fight off the dark thoughts and anxieties, but I know that it’s possible to be okay. The difference now is I have an incredible support system and have found confidence in myself. The friends I have made will be life-long relationships that I once thought I was incapable of having. I can honestly say that I have been genuinely happy the last three years without dependency on medications. Although I am scared to go back to the dark places I once lived, I know that I am strong enough to handle anything thrown my way. Danielle Rocheleau is a junior softball student-athlete at Hartford. Last season, she was a first-team All-Conference selection as well as an All-Academic honoree, carrying a 3.85 GPA majoring in international studies, politics and government. If you, or someone you know, is battling anxiety or depression and in need of someone to talk to, The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones by calling 1-800-273-8255. Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com).