AE Voices: My Struggle - Emily Dolloff-Holt 10/9/2019 6:39:19 PM AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. This feature is sponsored by America East’s #BetterTo9ether initiative, which aims to help create more mentally healthy environments for AE student-athletes. Read past AE Voices features My Struggle By: Emily Dolloff-Holt, New Hampshire '21 Ever since I can remember, I’ve struggled with my own mental health. When I was a toddler, I was diagnosed with anxiety. It wasn’t obvious to me until I reached middle school. That’s when I started to notice that I was worrying about the little things a lot. It didn’t stop me from participating in normal activities, but in seventh grade I developed depression symptoms. It was a terrible year. I didn’t understand what depression looked like or felt like so I was convinced there was something wrong with me. I was experiencing constant dreadful thoughts and it felt like my mind was racing at 100 miles per hour all the time. Suicidal thoughts started to creep into my head, and I didn’t even really register them. I started distancing myself from my friends and became lonely as I thought no one cared about me. I eventually told my best friend that I did not want to live anymore but asked her not to tell anyone. She promised me she wouldn’t, but she went to our school counselor and shared with her the concern she had for me. I vividly remember my mom getting the phone call from the school counselor. We were at the doctor’s office and she stepped out to take a call. She came back in crying and told me that the counselor called to tell her that someone expressed that they were concerned for me and my life. I broke down in front of my mom and my doctor. I agreed to go to a therapist so I could get help. I immediately started to see a therapist who works with horses for therapy. I saw her for about a year and I started to recognize that I wasn’t alone and that there were people who cared for me. I am extremely thankful that my best friend told someone because I don’t know if I would still be here and experience all the amazing things I have ever since. As 8th grade started, I was doing better, but quickly my life got thrown upside down when my mom got sick. My mom fell ill in 2010 when she acquired a resistant pseudomonal infection in her kidneys from a hospital procedure. This infection went undiagnosed for six months causing my mom to have 12 surgeries and three rounds of IV antibiotics within two years. The stress on her kidneys and body lead to the failure of multiple organs, which she is still currently being treated for. This stress and concern for my mom had a significant impact on my mental health, as I lived in fear that my mom would not live to see my graduation, and my sister and I would be left without a mother. Her health has fluctuated up and down. During the times when her health was worse, dread and heartbreak flowed through my body. I have been swimming for over 13 years and it was my main outlet for my anxiety. The summer before senior year, I was competing at a swim meet and on the first day of competition, I misread how close I was to the wall and slammed my hand into it at the end of a race. I thought that I had just sprained my thumb on the wall, but I actually tore a ligament. I continued to swim with the torn ligament until October. I hit my hand against another swimmer’s hand during practice and knew something wasn’t healed completely. I saw a hand specialist and he told me that I would have to have surgery soon or I would lose the ability to use my thumb. This meant that I would be in a cast for six weeks and miss most of my final high school swim season. I was heartbroken and devastated. Those six weeks were miserable because I couldn’t do anything with my dominate hand and I could not get in the water at all. My mental health took a nose dive during those weeks. My depression was worse, and I was scared I wouldn’t be able to swim at the State Championships to finish my last high school season. Watching my team practice without me made my heart ache. I still went to every practice that I could and helped coach from the sidelines. I got my cast off just in time to compete at the State Championships. The summer before heading to college, I started to train again and tried my best to get back into shape. I felt like I was in pretty good shape and my anxiety eased a little. Moving from Colorado into the dorms in mid-August was extremely stressful and I got very homesick within the first week of school. I have never cried so much in my entire life before that first week of college. I missed my family so much and was having a hard time dealing with my anxiety. The coaching style on my new team was completely different from what I was used to, and I struggled to get used to it. I decided I needed to see a PACS counselor on campus and I am glad I did because she connected me with the therapist I have seen ever since. During the month of September, I was seeing the PACS counselor and was still struggling to deal and cope with my anxiety. I didn’t want to get out of bed every day, I dreaded going to practices, I had this feeling of absolute dread constantly with me, and all I wanted to do was sleep and not leave my room. I called my dad every single morning crying because I didn’t know what to do about how I was feeling. My parents suggested that I go to health services to see someone about the anxiety medications I was currently on and so I went to health services and they reviewed my medication. They adjusted my medication and after that I slowly started to get adjusted to my life. I started feeling better and comfortable at school through the months of November to February. My team had won the America East Conference Championship that year. It was so exciting to be a part of a team that had accomplished so much my first year. After our conference championships, the feeling of dread and loneliness started to creep back into my mind. I was seeing my therapist every week to try and figure out how to deal with the feelings that were coming back to me. In April, the scariest part of my freshman year happened. The feelings of loneliness I had were so extreme that I cut myself off from everyone. I felt like no one loved me, no one cared about me, or even saw me. I hid my pain from everyone because I didn’t want to be viewed as weak or broken. I thought that no one understood what I was going through or how I felt. The emotional pain that I was feeling became so overwhelming. I started to cut myself just to feel the pain. I needed to feel physical pain because I had no outlet for my emotional pain. I thought that this feeling would go away once I moved back home for the summer so I didn’t tell anyone about what I was going through. Only my family knew. Once I moved back home, I felt some relief from my emotional pain for the first couple weeks. I never felt completely better though. I still didn’t want to get out of bed, and I slept more than I ever had. I could not get myself to get out of bed and go do anything. In the end of June and beginning of July, I had several incidents where I found myself not being able to express the emotional pain I was feeling and ended up cutting myself again. My mom suggested that I see a psychiatrist because she could see that my meds were still not helping, and I was not myself. She helped me find a psychiatrist to see and I changed my medication again. This time though, the medication seemed to help. It took about four weeks for me to feel like myself again. Moving back to school for sophomore year was easier but it still hurt so much to leave my family. I was anxious about starting practice back up again with my team because I knew I did not train as much as I should have over the summer. Practices over the next couple of months were painful and the hardest practices in my life. I was slower than I had ever been and behind everyone in the pool. I tried to keep positive during this time, but there were days when I didn’t know if I could keep swimming. By November, I started to feel better in the water and I didn’t worry as much about being in shape. There was a turning point and the rest of the season went well, culminating with a great performance at the conference championship. My mental health journey has literally been a roller coaster and I know that it will continue to be one. Over the past two years of college, I have begun to understand better what helps me through the times when my anxiety is high or depression is worse. Maintaining a schedule to follow throughout the week, volunteering at a dog shelter, taking time to get away and relax, and not being afraid to talk about my struggles have all helped my get through these hard times. I have also realized that having anxiety and depression does not make me weak or less worthy. I will always have anxious and depressing thoughts at times, but I work hard every single day to stay positive and remember that I am strong and can overcome whatever life throws at me. Emily Dolloff-Holt is a junior women's swimming & diving student-athlete at New Hampshire. She is majoring in anthropology and spanish. If you, or someone you know, is battling anxiety or depression and in need of someone to talk to, The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones by calling 1-800-273-8255. Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com).