AE Voices: Finding My New Purpose - Jalay Knowles, Hartford '19
AE Voices is space for America East Conference student-athletes, coaches and administrators to share their personal stories in their own words. This second feature is sponsored by America East’s #BetterTo9ether initiative, which aims to help create more mentally healthy environments for AE student-athletes.
Finding My New Purpose
By: Jalay Knowles, Hartford ‘19
How do you recover when your dream suddenly ends? When it turns into a nightmare? How do you bounce back?
My dream came true when I received a full ride to the University of Hartford to play basketball. I was so proud of myself and so excited to play the sport I loved for four more years. This was the highlight of my life thus far, the joy I felt by making everyone from my hometown so proud because I was going on to do something special. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I also knew I was a hard worker and was capable of accomplishing anything that I put my mind to.
That first week of the 2015-16 school year was exciting for me. I met new people, moved into my dorm and basketball workouts were starting up. I was feeling my best and felt like I could do anything. I was ready for my first college basketball season to start.
Knowles played in just 43 games for Hartford before injuries
forced her to give up the game she loves in February of 2017.
Suddenly, in just one moment, everything changed. I took a hard fall a week into practice. At first, I didn't really think much of it, but I noticed the pain increasing, and after a few days, my athletic trainer took me out of a workout even though I begged to continue playing. She told me this was just precautionary and wanted me to take it easy because I might have had back spasms. But the pain didn’t go away. I went to get an MRI and got the news that I wish I didn't have to hear. I had two bulging discs in my back.
I was 17 and didn't think anything of it. I just wanted to play. Despite the pain, numbness and tingling in my legs, I was determined to continue playing. I got an epidural, finished my freshman year, and thought that my back problem would go away because we were headed into the offseason and it would heal itself. Looking back, I wish that I wasn't so naive. I wish I could figure out how exactly this happened, so I could go back and prevent it.
My basketball career ended on February 6, 2017, and with it my dream. It was only my sophomore year – this wasn't the game plan for me. I was so ashamed of myself. I couldn’t believe that I let this injury get so much worse. I was in daily agonizing pain and I had to make a decision for my future. I wanted to be able to run around with my kids. I was told that surgery would only help for a short period of time and wouldn't even guarantee I could play another two years. I was completely heartbroken. The one thing I worked for, the one thing that defined me, the only thing I ever identified with was taken away from me.
Since that day, I've had this lingering emptiness in me. There is a piece of me that is missing and is something I won't ever get back. I felt like I had no purpose being in school, the one thing I came here for I couldn't even do anymore. I felt like a failure and that I let down my family, teammates, and myself. It felt like I was on a downward spiral. I had lost a huge part of my identity and I was really feeling the pain of my new unfortunate reality.
I don't cry often but I found myself crying more than I ever had before. My ADHD didn't help that either, and my anxiety was through the roof. When I should have been focused in class, I was only thinking about what just happened; why did this happen to me? This was the biggest obstacle in my life and one that I am still trying my best to overcome. I just didn't understand. I always work hard and thought good things are supposed to happen to those who work hard but this wasn’t the reality I was facing.
It's funny how things work out, though. Slowly, things got better. I took the newly open blocks of time on my calendar and became more involved with the athletic department after I was unable to play. The meetings I attend, events I participate in, and groups I joined have increased drastically. I am more of a vocal leader on my team. I joined both my institutional and conference student-athlete advisory committees. I have found different ways to find joy in my life.
Knowles has found other passions since being forced to stop playing basketball
such as becoming an active member of both Hartford's and America East's SAAC.
Mentally, I am still working on how to deal with not playing. It's my senior year and I’ll be unable to play in my senior game with my classmates. I am still taking all of my obstacles day by day and trying to be the best me that I can be. It hurts that I won't be able to make layups, take charges, grab rebounds, and put on a jersey.
What have I learned about myself through all of this? That I have to utilize my other strengths to help my teammates, other student-athletes, and anyone else I come in contact with. I need to tell my story to let other student-athletes know that it is okay to talk about problems that everyone faces. That it’s okay to lean my teammates, coaches, friends and family; the people around me that only want to see me succeed. I want to be more of a voice for the studentathletes on my campus and make an impact on everyone I cross paths with.
Mental health is near and dear to my heart. It is something that needs to be discussed. We need to work on destroying the negative attitude and stigma against mental health so that people are more comfortable talking when they are going through something. No matter how big or small, people have the right to not be judged for what they are going through and how they express their emotions.
For me, as down as I was, things have turned out alright. New doors have opened since the playing one closed. I have found a new purpose and hope my story can positively impact others in a similar situation. No one should ever feel like they have to deal with their issues alone. Luckily, I no longer do.
Jalay Knowles is a senior former women's basketball student-athlete at the University of Hartford majoring in psychology. Knowles currently on Hartford's Student-Athlete Advisory Committee (SAAC) and is a member of America East Conference’s SAAC.
If you, or someone you know, is battling anxiety or depression and in need of someone to talk to, The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones by calling 1-800-273-8255.
Are you a current or former America East student-athlete, coach or administrator interested in sharing your own story as part of the AE Voices series? Contact America East Associate Commissioner Sean Tainsh (tainsh@americaeast.com).